What Codependency Means and How it Suffocates Relationships
You may have heard the term used in relation to being clingy, but what is codependency? This article attempts to answer this by drawing on the perspectives of some known experts in this field.
Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!Here we’ll explore the definition of codependency, its characteristics and how it can affect both personal and interpersonal growth. I’ll also share some useful strategies and support systems for overcoming it.
Defining Codependency
Codependency, is a form of emotional immaturity which results in dysfunctional attachment strategies and behavioural patterns in relationships. It is usually characterised by unconscious attempts to create a sense of emotional safety by being desperately in need of, or needed by, the other person.
The term codependency, was recently re-defined in the DSM-5 as “developmental immaturity”, as it has its roots in attachment trauma or emotional manipulation during childhood. It usually manifests in adult relationships as a set of maladaptive coping strategies in response to emotional dysregulation.
This creates a power dynamic, where one person is either perceived, or perceives themselves, as less than, or better than the other. It often involves one person being overly focussed on the needs and feelings of their partner above themselves. Which, among other issues, causes unhealthy expectations, over-reliance and sometimes and an abuse of power.
This dynamic can create a situation where both people take on an unhealthy “role” within the relationship, which subconsciously enable each other to stay stuck.
Stephen Karpman, an American Psychiatrist, demonstrated these roles with his development of the “drama triangle”, in 1968. Using this model, he showed how these dysfunctional roles create power dynamics which rely on each other to maintain their identity.
The Karpman Drama Triangle
Karpman, broke these roles down into 3 categories:
- The Victim
- The Persecutor
- The Rescuer
These roles can be enacted in many ways and are usually shrouded in (often subconscious) manipulative behaviour, which can be difficult to spot at first glance.
These kinds of dynamics are not limited to romantic relationships either, they can develop in friendships, family and even pet owners! The main characteristic of a codependent relationship, is that one enables the other. Often without realising it, each develops a dependency on the other in order to maintain their identity within the relationship.
How Codependency Affects Relationships
Even though they usually set out with good intentions, codependent partners keep each other emotionally stuck. The “rescuer” keeps the “victim” from finding their autonomy, being able to stand on their own two feet and resolve or improve their situation. On the other hand, the over-reliance of the “victim”, props up the ego of the “rescuer”, but usually results in them feeling emotionally drained, overwhelmed and trapped.
At this point the rescuer can often become a “persecutor”, as their resentment towards the “victim” builds. However, these dynamics can be fluid and complex and do not always result in one person staying in one position on the triangle. It is quite possible for a victim to also be a persecutor for example, and a rescuer/persecutor can also take on the role of victim at times.
It is also common for a “victim” type, to fall prey to a dangerous “persecutor” type (someone who is emotionally or otherwise abusive) from the start, as the imbalance in self-esteem are a perfect match for each other (in a negative way!).
Codependency and Developmental Immaturity
Pia Melody, a leading authority on the concept and treatment of codependency, was one of the first to define this condition as “developmental immaturity”. She describes it as:
“A persistent reliance on and attempts to control external factors, like others’ thoughts and actions, to manage emotions and gain self-worth, often stemming from past abusive situations”.
According to Pia Melody’s work, there are 5 key areas that codependecny/development immaturity can manifest:
- Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem (either feeling less-than, or better-than others or depending on others for external validation)
- Struggles with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
- An inability to own and express one’s reality
- Difficulties identifying and meeting their own needs and wants
- Struggles with moderating or containing emotions (some examples of this are “oversharing” inappropriately, emotionally manipulating others, walling off/over-containing information or emotions, control issues etc.)
You can find out more about Pia Melody and her work with The Meadows here.
Some Key Characteristics of Codependency
- Poor Boundaries: Codependents often struggle to maintain healthy boundaries. They may feel responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions, leading to a lack of self-identity.
- People-Pleasing: A common trait of codependency is the constant desire to please others. This might involve sacrificing personal needs or desires to gain approval or avoid conflict.
- Fear of Abandonment: Many codependent individuals have a profound fear of being abandoned, which can drive them to tolerate unhealthy behaviours in their partners.
- Low Self-Esteem: Codependency often stems from low self-esteem, where individuals feel unworthy or inadequate, leading them to seek validation through their relationships.
- Control Issues: In an attempt to maintain their relationship, codependents might engage in controlling behaviours, trying to manage their partner’s actions and decisions.
How Codependency Develops in Family Dynamics
Codependency is usually the result of early life attachment issues, stemming from dysfunctional parenting dynamics.
Some examples of the effects of dysfunctional parenting:
- Parents who are overly involved in their children’s lives can lead to enmeshment, a lack of independence, or a sense of needing to please or support the parent/s emotionally.
- Parents who are consistently rejecting or abandoning can lead the child to become hyper-vigilant to rejection, emotionally “walled off”, hyper-independent or needless and wantless.
- When parents rely on their children for mental and emotional support (i.e. for long-term illness, breakdowns in relationships, mental health issues or addictions etc), this reverses the roles in the parent-child dynamic. This can lead the child to feel like an adult yet without the proper resources to cope with the responsibilities of being one. It can manifest later in life as an over-giver or over-doer in relationships, taking on more responsibility than their share. It can often lead to them being overbearing and suffocating their partners, sometimes disempowering them or pushing them away.
- Abusive, violent and aggressive parenting can lead to a whole range of codependent dynamics and attachment issues. These can vary widely, including anger issues, addiction and other self-destructive behaviours. Sadly, it can also sometimes lead the sufferer finding themselves repeating these abusive patterns in their adult relationships.
Breaking Free from Codependency
Recognising codependent behaviours is the first step towards breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies to help individuals move toward healthier relationship dynamics:
- Self-Reflection and Awareness. Take time to reflect on your own feelings and needs. Journaling can be a helpful tool for understanding your emotions and behaviours. Recognise that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions and needs, no matter how “desperate” they seem.
- Develop Healthy Boundaries. Learning to set and maintain boundaries is crucial. This means being clear about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Learning to speak up for yourself can be challenging, especially coming from a dysfunctional family where this wasn’t modelled. You may need to work with a therapist or coach who can help you work on your self-esteem and skills in this area.
- Work on Your Self-Care. Prioritise your own well-being and self-worth. Engage in activities that nurture your interests and passions outside the relationship. Healthy relationships depend on both parties meeting their own needs as well as supporting each other.
- Seek Professional Support. If you have grown up in a dysfunctional family or experienced attachment trauma, you may need therapy to overcome codependent behaviours. Working with a therapist who is trained and knowledgeable in this field is important when looking for someone to help you with these issues.
- Join a Support Group. There are many 12 step fellowships that focus on dealing with these issues. CoDA(Codependents Anonymous), ACA and Al-Anon are great places to find support. These fellowships are also free and available in most areas as well as online worldwide.
Recovery from Codependency is Possible!!
If you find yourself resonating with any of the descriptions above, you may want to reach out for further support. There is no shame in realising you may have developed some codependent strategies. It didn’t start with you but you can do something to overcome it. Empowering yourself with knowledge and becoming aware of the problem is the first step to freeing yourself from codependency.
Get in touch if you’d like to explore how I could help you heal from codependency and start living authentically. You can book a free telephone consultation via the button below.
What is Codependency FAQ
What does codependency mean?
Codependency is a set of symptoms usually resulting from family relationship dynamics in childhood. It sows up in relationships in later life, not just romantic relationships too.
Codependency can look like people pleasing, validation seeking, rescuing or “needing” to be rescued. It can make it difficult to tolerate other people’s emotions, because you feel responsible for the way others feel a lot of the time.
One of the main issues with codependency is that it affects your self-esteem and sense of autonomy. It often puts a lot of strain on a relationship and develops unhealthy dynamics.
How do I know if I am codependent?
Codependency can be difficult to spot or to admit to yourself, but there nothing shameful about codependency issues.
If you find relationships difficult or you struggle with other people’s needs or emotions, it might be worth exploring codependency with a therapist.
Is it possible to overcome codependency
Yes, with the right help and support it is possible to overcome codependency. It is important to work with a therapist who understands codependency and is qualified to treat it.
There are also support groups, such as Codependents Anonymous, which operates worldwide.
How long can it take to recover from codependency?
The amount of time it takes to heal codependency varies for everyone. Healing relationship attachment issues is a process and not a quick fix.
Some people find they get what they need within a few sessions and for some it may take months or even years.
The main thing is to work with a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who understands your patterns. Building a healthy relationship in therapy is often a big factor in healing codependent patterns.