The term “codependency”, has become a bit of a buzz word in recent years, along with other attachment labels, however, there is a lot of misleading information out there so this article aims to answer the question, “what is codependency?”, drawing on the perspectives of some of the experts in this field.
In this blog post, we’ll explore the definition of codependency, its characteristics, how it can affect both personal and interpersonal growth, and some strategies for overcoming it.
Defining Codependency
Codependency, is a set of maladaptive emotional attachment strategies that can lead to dysfunctional behavioural patterns in relationships. It usually has its roots in attachment trauma or emotional manipulation during childhood, and manifests in adult relationships later in life. Codependency is often characterised by one person feeling less than, or better than, the other in a relationship, and can lead to one being overly focussed on the needs and feelings of their partner above themselves.
This dynamic can create a situation where both people take on a role within the relationship, which enables the other to stay stuck.
Stephen Karpman, an American Psychiatrist, demonstrated these roles with his development of the “drama triangle”, in 1968. Using this model, he showed how these dysfunctional roles create power dynamics which rely on each other to maintain their identity.
The Karpman Drama Triangle
Karpman, broke these roles down into 3 categories:
- The Victim
- The Persecutor
- The Rescuer
These roles can be enacted in many ways and are usually shrouded in (often subconscious) manipulative behaviour, which can be difficult to spot at first glance.
These kinds of dynamics are not limited to romantic relationships either, they can develop in friendships, family and even pet owners! The main characteristic of a codependent relationship, is that one enables the other. Often without realising it, each develops a dependency on the other in order to maintain their identity within the relationship.
How Codependency Affects Relationships
Even though they usually set out with good intentions, codependent partners keep each other emotionally stuck. The “rescuer” keeps the “victim” from finding their autonomy and from being able to stand on their own two feet and resolve/improve their situation. On the other hand, the over-reliance of the “victim”, props up the ego of the “rescuer”, but usually results in them feeling emotionally drained, overwhelmed and trapped.
At this point the rescuer can often become a “persecutor”, as their resentment towards the “victim” builds. However, these dynamics can be fluid and complex and do not always result in one person staying in one position on the triangle. It is quite possible for a victim to also be a persecutor for example, and a rescuer/persecutor can also take on the role of victim at times.
It is also common for a “victim” type, to fall prey to a “persecutor” type from the start, as the imbalance in self-esteem complement each other (in a negative way).
Codependency and Developmental Immaturity
Pia Melody, a leading authority on the concept and treatment of codependency, defines this condition as “developmental immaturity”. She describes it as:
“A persistent reliance on and attempts to control external factors, like others’ thoughts and actions, to manage emotions and gain self-worth, often stemming from past abusive situations”.
According to Pia Melody’s work, there are 5 key areas that codependecny/development immaturity can manifest:
- Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem (either feeling less-than, or better-than others or depending on others for external validation)
- Struggles with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
- An inability to own and express one’s reality
- Difficulties identifying and meeting their own needs and wants
- Struggles with moderating or containing emotions (some examples of this are “oversharing” inappropriately, emotionally manipulating others, walling off/over-containing information or emotions, control issues etc.)
You can find out more about Pia Melody and her work with The Meadows here.
Some Key Characteristics of Codependency
- Poor Boundaries: Codependents often struggle to maintain healthy boundaries. They may feel responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions, leading to a lack of self-identity.
- People-Pleasing: A common trait of codependency is the constant desire to please others. This might involve sacrificing personal needs or desires to gain approval or avoid conflict.
- Fear of Abandonment: Many codependent individuals have a profound fear of being abandoned, which can drive them to tolerate unhealthy behaviours in their partners.
- Low Self-Esteem: Codependency often stems from low self-esteem, where individuals feel unworthy or inadequate, leading them to seek validation through their relationships.
- Control Issues: In an attempt to maintain their relationship, codependents might engage in controlling behaviours, trying to manage their partner’s actions and decisions.
How Codependency Develops in Family Dynamics
Codependency is usually a symptom of early life attachment issues, stemming from dysfunctional parenting dynamics. Some examples of this could be:
Parents who are overly involved in their children’s lives can lead to enmeshment, a lack of independence, or a sense of needing to please or support the parent/s emotionally.
Parents who are rejecting or abandoning can lead the child to become hypervigilant to rejection, emotionally “walled off”, hyper-independent or needless and wantless.
When parents rely on their children for mental and emotional support (i.e. for long-term illness, breakdowns in relationships, mental health issues or addictions etc), this can create a sense of the roles being reversed in the parent-child dynamic. This can lead the child to feel like an adult yet without the proper resources to cope with the responsibilities of being one. It can manifest later in life as an over-giver or over-doer in relationships, taking on more responsibility than their share. Which can often lead to them being overbearing and suffocating their partners.
Abusive, violent and aggressive parenting can lead to a whole range of codependent dynamics and attachment issues. These can vary widely and can also lead the sufferer finding themselves repeating these patterns in their adult relationships.
Breaking Free from Codependency
Recognizing codependent behaviours is the first step towards breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies to help individuals move toward healthier relationship dynamics:
- Self-Reflection and Awareness. Take time to reflect on your own feelings and needs. Journaling can be a helpful tool for understanding your emotions and behaviours. Recognise that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions and needs, no matter how “desperate” they seem.
- Develop Healthy Boundaries. Learning to set and maintain boundaries is crucial. This means being clear about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Learning to speak up for yourself can be challenging, especially coming from a dysfunctional family where this wasn’t modelled. You may need to work with a therapist or coach who can help you work on your self-esteem and build your skills in this area.
- Work on Your Self-Care. Prioritise your own well-being and self-worth. Engage in activities that nurture your interests and passions outside the relationship. Healthy relationships depend on both parties meeting their own needs as well as supporting each other.
- Seek Professional Support. If you have grown up in a dysfunctional family or experienced attachment injuries, you may need therapy to overcome codependent behaviours. Working with a therapist who is trained and knowledgeable in this field is important when looking for someone to help you with these issues.
- Join a Support Group. There are many 12 step fellowships that focus on dealing with these issues. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), ACA and Al-Anon are great places to find support. These fellowships are also free and available in most areas as well as online worldwide.
Recovery from Codependency is Possible!!
If you find yourself resonating with any of the descriptions above, you may want to reach out for further support. There is no shame in realising you may have developed some codependent strategies. It didn’t start with you but you can do something to overcome it. Empowering yourself with knowledge and becoming aware of the problem is the first step to freeing yourself from codependency.
Get in touch if you’d like to explore how I could help you heal from codependency and start living authentically. You can book a free telephone consultation via the button below.
